It is to you my friends that I write today. I found myself alone and in utter silence, which for those of you that know me can appreciate is a novel and rare occasion. In this silence I found myself with an odd creeping feeling of depression. I wondered on this and found that in this moment it was, by a sad realization that I wasn't living my life....
This, for my daily friends as well as the ones who have gone through the catch up process, may also come as a shock. As you all have probably heard a lengthy and detailed account of my lives plan. Let me take you a bit deeper in this thought and ask you the reader to take a moment and ask yourself, "Am I living my life"…ask this and then change the emphasis to highlight each word in the question and ask it again out loud all 5 times..
Have you done it?
I can guarantee that in this moment you are finding that one of those phrasings is kicking up emotion, hopefully mostly good, and in 99% of you and me, there is a bit of uneasiness. That's Okay!
I was musing over how, with all of my plans, I could possibly feel as if I wasn't in complete control of my life and further more my future.
I realized while thinking about it that it was simply due to the fact that I was focusing on the completed life, the end of the journey. I ask you now to take a moment and think about any project that you may be working on currently. Anything from house work to homework, from rebuilding an engine to fixing a leak in your toilet, anything. In this thought you know where you started and you know the outcome, or at least what the planned or expected outcome will be. Now comes the moment. Magicians would consider this the 'prestige' or apex of their amusement…The moment where we can stop and appreciate the task. The meaning, the overall lesson and joy in learning that this or any other task or goal can provide.
In life, as with tasks or projects, we can spend all of our energy focusing on the outcome and forget that the journey is what we are here for.
My friends I ask that you take the time to slow down and look around. Ask a child what they see when they look at passing car or the sky, inhale deeply and lock in the taste of that smell for future reflection. While I was in Egypt a friend e-mailed me and told me that I should find a quiet spot, which in the desert isn't hard, and pick up a handful of sand and let it slip through your fingers, remember that feeling she said.
We don't stop making those awe inspiring discoveries as children. As adults we reflect on those times and exploit them for all of our 'great memories!' Today need be one of those great memories. Celebrate the fact that you are alive and, if reading this, then you are already a friend.
"Today will dictate tomorrow and tomorrow will dictate the rest of your life"
Don't worry over the life you haven't yet lived, devour the today as the life you are living!
Much love all,
CJ
Burn Up Memories...
WE SOAKED UP SOUL THROUGH SILHOUETTED SILENCE AND GAVE BODY REMINDERS OF BOTH MINE AND HERS. YOU FORGET IN TIME HOW TWO PEOPLES ANKLES, KNEES, HIPS, SHOULDERS, AND NECKS, CAN FIT SO PERFECTLY AND WE DO... IT TOOK 7 DOLLARS WORTH OF PACKAGED WOOD A CHEMICAL SOAKED FIRE STARTER AND 3 YEARS OF BATTLE WEARY EXHAUSTION TO BURN FENCES AND MELT OUR TROUBLES AWAY....
Midnight lasts an eternity...
Last night lasted for 2 hours that seemed to stretch far beyond the reach of the two handed bandit running mad in a 12 hour time table. Every minute with her is an eternity spun on a pins tip and as fulfilling as the creation of life. The phone rang and her voice was the maiden at the gate beckoning me through to a courtyard filled with night's mystery and the wonderment of soul escape. Hearing her voice made my entire body ripple in champagne effervescence…I interrupt her…I've found that the music of our voices overlapping is reminiscent of a stage duet comprised of classical brilliance and real emotion…we harmonize in every way, . Stand beside the power of our vocal union and it will lull you out of your reality and into our majestic wonderland. We are the dynamic dialation of perfect vision and in our gaze passes the reverberation of all that is passionate in the creation of two souls bold union..
A DEDICATION TO YOU...
A DEDICATION TO YOU......
You deserve the emotional support of not just the one you stand beside but the one who chose to stand by you. You have lifted weights off me like a search and rescue team in the aftermath of emotional tornadoes..in times when my chest felt ready to burst and let loose the venom in my heart, you sedated the storm and neutralized the devastation...you have held high the tender purity of a heart shrouded in need, fault and desire..I can feel you tremble as that weight you carry sits like compounded tonage on limbs meant to be held tight under anothers protective embrace not stretched high in hopes of secondary feedback to nurture souls desire for love. You give to me a reason to keep hope in the beauty of people and the majestic bounty of a deeper connection. One forged on trust on the deepest levels and love..the kind of love found in novels written about periods of compassionate ties bound with two strands of tightly woven diversity coming together to form a knot work of our mutual adulation. I say safely and easily that I love you, I love you for the undissembled devotion you have to fostering up the highest levels of happiness in every soul that has had the attenuate opportunity to bow back at your presence..You will stand strong against the provocation of your hearts right to giggle in safety in your counterparts love..you will nullify any notion of idle musing that would lead you to think that you in some way do not deserve the complete return on your most sincere investment. It is not just your right to the mutual return of that love, but your responsibility. You walk with clouds kissing your cheeks high above it all and need to remember, that is your rightful place and you belong there! Demand what is yours! If you ever need reminders of the beautiful view the rest of us have from the outside...Im here. I love you...Remember your pedigree!
You deserve the emotional support of not just the one you stand beside but the one who chose to stand by you. You have lifted weights off me like a search and rescue team in the aftermath of emotional tornadoes..in times when my chest felt ready to burst and let loose the venom in my heart, you sedated the storm and neutralized the devastation...you have held high the tender purity of a heart shrouded in need, fault and desire..I can feel you tremble as that weight you carry sits like compounded tonage on limbs meant to be held tight under anothers protective embrace not stretched high in hopes of secondary feedback to nurture souls desire for love. You give to me a reason to keep hope in the beauty of people and the majestic bounty of a deeper connection. One forged on trust on the deepest levels and love..the kind of love found in novels written about periods of compassionate ties bound with two strands of tightly woven diversity coming together to form a knot work of our mutual adulation. I say safely and easily that I love you, I love you for the undissembled devotion you have to fostering up the highest levels of happiness in every soul that has had the attenuate opportunity to bow back at your presence..You will stand strong against the provocation of your hearts right to giggle in safety in your counterparts love..you will nullify any notion of idle musing that would lead you to think that you in some way do not deserve the complete return on your most sincere investment. It is not just your right to the mutual return of that love, but your responsibility. You walk with clouds kissing your cheeks high above it all and need to remember, that is your rightful place and you belong there! Demand what is yours! If you ever need reminders of the beautiful view the rest of us have from the outside...Im here. I love you...Remember your pedigree!
NOTES THE HEART CAN SEND
I found that with you the sun feels compelled to wrap itself in fog for fear of losing the battle of brilliance. Even the wind dreams of of riding beside you in your cart pulled by toe dancing butterflies. We found a sanctuary of ocean mist and a power in the roar of the surf almost as if it was cheering us on. I found you there and you found me with a dreaming baby and a sky filled with a jubilee of lights and explosions of celebration for what we had discovered. I remember that night well. I can remember the way you felt that night and every night from that first 7 years ago. It's like remembering perfection leaning for the first time on our minds pillow. It was talking to our bodies, with you I found that love and dreams make our parenthesis, between them I place our you and I, and we discover the world. We explore the globe like we uncover each other's secrets and lock them in our protection..That's what love is. Long drives to farms in hopes of tilling historic notions of happiness and reflecting on times spent embracing the conception of memories, and we made many. I could write books of our memories made, they would be illustrated with crimson and passion, and highlighted with cloud created beauty stitched out of heavens fabric. We are nostalgia treasure hunters dancing through cave like stores holding secrets of generations past, and lives lived. We needed that to feed our old souls. Our spirits were both born of eras past swaying to trumpets and wearing suits of armor. I keep that armor to wear for your protection. This knight has never left your side and rides over thundering hooves to the battlefields of your pain and suffering…Late nights spent letting all of the echoes of the world become the backdrop to the music our conversations created. We would enchant each other until your eyes lost the the battle with gravity and I would wrap in loving arms and carry you to rest that beautiful half smile while I traced your bodies every outline and tickled into outstretched arms the resounding truth that..I love you. I would watch you sleep and sometimes have conversations with your dreams. They would tell me stories of you and I ice skating on the moon watching the sun wrap itself around the globe as I wrapped myself around you. Even in the deepest of sleep you knew your man was there watching over and protecting you and you would wedge yourself under my arm and squeeze away your unconscious anxiety with a whimper of love and safety. I have forever been in that place keeping my chest open for your tired head to fall on and match breathing as we melt the world away and swim in our love made ocean. My ribs don't fit right without my left hand you make draped across them soothing my sometimes heavy heart. Under blankets working as bomb shelters shielding you and I from the havoc that the unhappy want to drag us to… I can paint perfect pictures of you through shut lids that two dimensionally would still not capture the brilliance of your smile or the depth of your beauty…, which you are and you create. A heated pool of life force and plutonium like power of bringing a new life into our world . It felt like hot fusion and we were joined in the celebration of the cry of breaths realization. I saw you glow that night with a power of the sun and I was changed forever in that brilliant light. I feel life with you. No anesthetic for the truth of life, completely aware of all the love embraced between you and I. I can still see you dancing on feet made of air in an angelic glide through my thoughts and dreams, you can hypnotize so easily with your seductive sway and your intoxicating rhythm. No matter how far you may be from me I still walk with you, one hand in yours, the other gripped tightly around our memories and dreams. I found our love and dreams created a village whose borders we will never leave no matter how far we go. . . . I remember you. I remember youthful innocence and the young girl you were before now. I knew you then and I know you now. Others will call but no one will ever know the full depth and beauty of your being as I do. I have watched from the other side of a kiss, this pretty young girl become the radiant woman you are today. I remember you, all of you. I still chase your child that runs safely inside of my memories schoolyard. Lou, you are safe there with a strong willed young man in hot pursuit pining for a first kiss under Russian misle-toe. I remember you well, the change of your body and the sculpting of emotion. I can still see all of you and think of you constantly. My todays are full of flower like wishes staining your body in my minds eye. No one could ever narrate our love except those stars that have followed us through a heavenly watchtower and I converse with them often. They tell amazing stories of love and passion and I listen like Peter Pan and the lost boys letting the enchantment of our tale inspire us to stay young and never let the world corrupt our dreams. You will in that light always be my Wendy with a tinker bell touch because you are my happy thought that makes me fly. I would change their neverland into our Foreverland, and that would be our village…I will never stop kissing you from afar, and when you feel that safety of sleep and the comfort of slumber, remember that you are wrapped in my arms always. Others may come and go but these are the arms that will never let you go. I will hold you now and shelter that young girl I first became enamored with, inside of me. So if you forget, or need to be reminded of your beauty and wide-eyed wonderment you need only call out..I will always be listening….I love you with the power enough to stop time and make this globe spin backwards. I will forever be your "C", your white knight, your Peter Pan…Your Man.
lala
She Lives through a smile,
and hums through life with a
power of anticipation and eager delight that drowns out all undercurrents
of anxiety...
...She flashes bolts of lightning, giving
rebirth to motionless emotion..
and it invigorates me to the point of
tears
.... She engulfs everything like a subtle mist of manic
sedation...
and I dream..
...I see her there in lucid wonderment...She
exists there.
... A world of distance and somehow here..She Is a discovery for me
to revel in..
Nervous lips eager to embrace uncharted territory
tell stories of perfect terrain and soul deep adventures..
...Incubated passion held
tight in the arms of a peripheral history grip…Fingers find themselves
tip deep in desire driven to merge the space between us...
We create a supernova of surface deep sensation that
ignites a rolling thunder of skin ripples...and touching her, touching
her sets the end of my nerves on fire..
and we have just barely started
this flame
..Loaded questions directed at Lunar satellites in hopes
of hearing, through amplified distortion, the answers that either of
us are to afraid to give
…We can always just change
station
Thinking of you..
and hums through life with a
power of anticipation and eager delight that drowns out all undercurrents
of anxiety...
...She flashes bolts of lightning, giving
rebirth to motionless emotion..
and it invigorates me to the point of
tears
.... She engulfs everything like a subtle mist of manic
sedation...
and I dream..
...I see her there in lucid wonderment...She
exists there.
... A world of distance and somehow here..She Is a discovery for me
to revel in..
Nervous lips eager to embrace uncharted territory
tell stories of perfect terrain and soul deep adventures..
...Incubated passion held
tight in the arms of a peripheral history grip…Fingers find themselves
tip deep in desire driven to merge the space between us...
We create a supernova of surface deep sensation that
ignites a rolling thunder of skin ripples...and touching her, touching
her sets the end of my nerves on fire..
and we have just barely started
this flame
..Loaded questions directed at Lunar satellites in hopes
of hearing, through amplified distortion, the answers that either of
us are to afraid to give
…We can always just change
station
Thinking of you..
REPLACEMENT PAIN
You can borrow me...From time to time come by and use what you need, but put back what you take, you can only borrow me...Through days and nights of sleepless disregard and hollow step abandonment....you can borrow me. The circus style animal tragedy about that is, you never seem to return what you take, but rather stake a reserve tank to sync up your roadside assistance back-up, .. I keep hoping you've changed, rearranged your 2 step gypsy trance but you seem bent to ensnare your curtain call ovation...you were only supposed to borrow me... Victims of burn wards don't roast marshmallows on open reminders of past pain and deforming degradation...You can borrow me, for your heavy-heart lifting, or your hot blooded, swollen vein plumbing problems...You can borrow me for a time, but time can burry you, but you...you can always borrow me... Like a dress from a friend for a one time occasion, you grip me tight for a night, but like I said you burry me..No shallow grave gratuity...you burry me deep, deep in your closet for future use, based on friendly intention abuse... Your closet is like a mortuary at midnight or a tent full of panamimed circus midget...SCARY!. Full of dry boned body frames rattling out messages of pain and lies through lost life Belligerence...I conversed with the demons in the corners and, they shouted secrets to me in hopes of prying their way out on my back strain or in the back of my brain...I have my own ghosts though..So the next time you choose to reach deep into your closet style carnival cave and beguile your borrowed friendship and steal me again my friend...Stop...Breathe...Open your fists and let go..Let go of thoughts of me...I can only take so much of your shady shadows with me, and they are white knuckled-bleeding tip anxious to get to the light and put their misery to rest....You can borrow me, for unconscious counseling and threat filled therapy...Just put back what you take...You can only borrow me.
FLAMES
A sure shot serendipitous setting brought with it an all to familiar scene of comfort and excitement…
The floor was harder than I expected and seemed to almost slope towards the thick oak, smoke tarnished fire place…
We were sharing one blanket and two pillows and knew it wasn’t enough That made it perfect though because we would have to then lock curves to find that spot…
we all know that spot, the place between two people that fits bodies so well that you breathe as one and can feel every muscle in her back adjust as she shifts her hips and spine to roll as deep into your embrace as space would normally not allow…
We slowly turned from stomach to back after the flames on our faces brought small crystals of anticipation to one another’s brows….
I was tempted to wipe hers dry with a single swipe of my thumb, my other four fingers nestled softly under her chin….It was easy to see that she wanted me to and was noticeably disappointed when I didn’t….If she only knew how every fiber in me wanted to reach through her and dissolve any borders between our flesh and souls….
Things would be different if given one opportunity to make all boundary building blocks disappear into the void for the night..,
Her matrimonial ties,
My memory,
Our history,
The world, light, pain, consequence,
Anything that isn’t our passion and naked truth.
…Our early hour morning was spent in desperate search of familiar grounds across the plains and mountains of each other’s bodies….
Pushing and bending contorting to contours that are all but sinful…
Sin..Lust..Coveting that which isn’t legally yours…
”A court issued document signed by both parties to signify the joining of two persons in wed-lock”
as Webster would define
…while losing in translation any emotion or heart whatsoever.
…See now, I wear no black gown and by no stretch of an actives youth imagination do I swing the deciding hammer on hickory high towers.
So, Interpretation I suppose, is the only peace of mind that I carry in my over burdened and overly open brain…
I give no excuses for the indulgence that is our union other than to say,
“it feels right…maybe…or maybe just for the night.”
I, at one point could have given up to the void a thousand different sensible reasons why ours couldn’t be or at least shouldn’t be, and will in that same instant trade one thousand of those thought beaten omnipresent beasts of understood yesterdays, for one, just one, reflective embrace like the ones we shared on a creaky cold distant morning.
One more glimpse at the beauty that is our two bare chests bearing down on one another engulfed in a cloak of thick heat…
One more chance to dance in Pandora’s velvet lined music box
One more time came and went
One more time seemed to be almost infinite
One more time
MORE TIME….
Give it time, it takes time, no more time, out of time, time, time…
It’s a tick tock tornado race with two legs tethered to a cold pole,
A cold soul
So cold my soul seems…
We exist there though, in tooth fairy dreams….
We spend our time looking for a way out of our quick stay Inn, trying to find something to distract two analytical liars from what could become a gold paved decent to lusty liaison in hell.
My thoughts of how and why have been replaced by moans and repetitious one word confirmations, YES we love each other, YES we know it didn’t work, YES it’s as wrong as it is right, YES!YES!YES!.....
Almost a half decade of moans
Almost a half decade of wrongs
Almost a half decade of reasons
Almost there
Almost done
Almost Gone….
Too many close calls, too many, “If I only had…”
To many and not enough…
The nonstop teeter totter toe cruncher!
Get rid of balance, do away with chi, kill karma and all those people that say, “that’s karma!” with a head nod and a crooked “Sure am glad that wasn’t me.” Grin!
This song is a duet and the harmony is perfect, so sit down, shut up, and take notes because this recital is epic and its story beautiful and tragic…
I dare you to live with this passion…
The floor was harder than I expected and seemed to almost slope towards the thick oak, smoke tarnished fire place…
We were sharing one blanket and two pillows and knew it wasn’t enough That made it perfect though because we would have to then lock curves to find that spot…
we all know that spot, the place between two people that fits bodies so well that you breathe as one and can feel every muscle in her back adjust as she shifts her hips and spine to roll as deep into your embrace as space would normally not allow…
We slowly turned from stomach to back after the flames on our faces brought small crystals of anticipation to one another’s brows….
I was tempted to wipe hers dry with a single swipe of my thumb, my other four fingers nestled softly under her chin….It was easy to see that she wanted me to and was noticeably disappointed when I didn’t….If she only knew how every fiber in me wanted to reach through her and dissolve any borders between our flesh and souls….
Things would be different if given one opportunity to make all boundary building blocks disappear into the void for the night..,
Her matrimonial ties,
My memory,
Our history,
The world, light, pain, consequence,
Anything that isn’t our passion and naked truth.
…Our early hour morning was spent in desperate search of familiar grounds across the plains and mountains of each other’s bodies….
Pushing and bending contorting to contours that are all but sinful…
Sin..Lust..Coveting that which isn’t legally yours…
”A court issued document signed by both parties to signify the joining of two persons in wed-lock”
as Webster would define
…while losing in translation any emotion or heart whatsoever.
…See now, I wear no black gown and by no stretch of an actives youth imagination do I swing the deciding hammer on hickory high towers.
So, Interpretation I suppose, is the only peace of mind that I carry in my over burdened and overly open brain…
I give no excuses for the indulgence that is our union other than to say,
“it feels right…maybe…or maybe just for the night.”
I, at one point could have given up to the void a thousand different sensible reasons why ours couldn’t be or at least shouldn’t be, and will in that same instant trade one thousand of those thought beaten omnipresent beasts of understood yesterdays, for one, just one, reflective embrace like the ones we shared on a creaky cold distant morning.
One more glimpse at the beauty that is our two bare chests bearing down on one another engulfed in a cloak of thick heat…
One more chance to dance in Pandora’s velvet lined music box
One more time came and went
One more time seemed to be almost infinite
One more time
MORE TIME….
Give it time, it takes time, no more time, out of time, time, time…
It’s a tick tock tornado race with two legs tethered to a cold pole,
A cold soul
So cold my soul seems…
We exist there though, in tooth fairy dreams….
We spend our time looking for a way out of our quick stay Inn, trying to find something to distract two analytical liars from what could become a gold paved decent to lusty liaison in hell.
My thoughts of how and why have been replaced by moans and repetitious one word confirmations, YES we love each other, YES we know it didn’t work, YES it’s as wrong as it is right, YES!YES!YES!.....
Almost a half decade of moans
Almost a half decade of wrongs
Almost a half decade of reasons
Almost there
Almost done
Almost Gone….
Too many close calls, too many, “If I only had…”
To many and not enough…
The nonstop teeter totter toe cruncher!
Get rid of balance, do away with chi, kill karma and all those people that say, “that’s karma!” with a head nod and a crooked “Sure am glad that wasn’t me.” Grin!
This song is a duet and the harmony is perfect, so sit down, shut up, and take notes because this recital is epic and its story beautiful and tragic…
I dare you to live with this passion…
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