Ghosts

Sing with me,

dance

cry

fall down

scream...

Let me feel you

your rage and your loneliness

your adulation and torment

euphoria and zen are your favorite yesterdays

and 

the dread of your tomorrows

while you practiced peace and balance

and 

the world seems happy to indulge you

but

you and I know better

we have bled and bonded over abandonment

we have howled at a solstice moon

and made love to our ghosts

I love that you are perfectly broken

and

that you confide your chaos in me

Salish

We exchanged

 short breaths

and

deep memories



Apex of your Heart

Introduce yourself to the apex of your heart

Let it's complexity guide you to enlightenment 

Follow its pulmonary paths to passion

Slow dance on its flatline base between beats

Place your palm beneath your neck for as long as it takes

 to discover the rhythm  and tempo of your  soul

Hold hands with your daydreams

Define solitude as peace and embrace it

Contemplate creation

Discover patterns in silence

SLOW DOWN

Let the wind seduce your back

"Let your imagination be your guide, not your memory"

   What an amazing time to be alive! The world we live in is teaming with so many opportunities, so many different and exciting chances to experience new adventure  and embrace our creativity.

   You can literally and figuratively spin a globe and point!..Its crazy to say this but, for those that don't know what I am referring to. Back in the pre-handheld tech developed period of life. As kids we would spin an actual globe, close our eyes and stop it with a finger. Wherever you were pointing was the new adventure destination.

   For some it may be Baltimore or Utah or maybe Budapest or Iceland. It didn't matter though because as children everywhere was new and full of adventure and excitement!

   The fuel for these make believe travels came entirely from our imaginations. Those creative thoughts were not pushed through "the reasons I can't" filter that we so often use in our "Grown Lives".. This simple little time passing practice was never just about the thoughts of packing a bag and boarding a plane but about allowing your imaginations guide us to someplace new.

   What I'm looking to drive home is that as children we seemed to think so much BIGGER than we do as adults. This was however referred to as having an active imagination..WOW! Think about the implications of that sentiment. Children are told all the time to get their heads out of the clouds or, "__________! " ( you can fill in the blank with something that you have heard or maybe even said yourself).

   Here is a point that we need to lock into the front of all of our minds at all times, thoughts become results. I'm an acronym guy so this is one that I use,

                       

                                    T.B.A.R. or T-Bar: 

Thoughts = Beliefs = Actions = Results

   

 The Wright Brothers were American inventors and pioneers in the field of aviation. They invented the worlds first airplane. Now I can guarantee that that Orville and Wilbur didn't just pick up a hammer one day out of boredom and slap together an airplane on a whim! 

   They started as 2 little boys rolling down grassy hills and watching birds fly overhead and IMAGINING how that must feel. To be able to see the world from the tree tops, to be free to go wherever their IMAGINATION could carry them! So began their thoughts or imagination which reinforced their BELIEF against all of the skeptics that one day they would fly. So they put in the work and through trial and error their ACTIONS led to the first flight way back in 1903. RESULTS!!

   Can you imagine if they had listened when they were told to get their heads out of the clouds?

   One of the sad facts of growing older is that we LEARN new fears and feed the ones that we already have. Fear is the natural enemy of hope, faith, dreaming, of all things good. As adults, to often, we have allowed that fear to replace our imagination. We have started feeding the wrong wolf. 

https://deanyeong.com/fight-two-wolves-inside/

    For most of us there are plenty of excuses not to leave our comfort zones. I know that through all of the things that I have told myself, fear is at the root. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of choosing the 'wrong' mate, fear of not knowing enough, not being socially accepted, fear of succeeding (yes that is a very real and terrible fear) fear of being heard, of being seen, of being ignored, of being hurt...whats sad is that list could go on and on..

   Fear has crept into every facet of life. Its not just something that popped up. We've been taught to be afraid! Its in our daily news, in our medical practices, its in fire and brimstone pulpit pounding, in our magazines. Fear has become an entity and a motivator.

   It has been pounded into us so much that it has become part of our speech and we speak through it. "I'm afraid we are sold out." "I'm afraid that we have no tables available." I even caught my good friend and weather man Nick Allard saying yesterday, "Well, I'm afraid that the sun is going to fade and the rain is on its way!" (2 things here first, sorry for putting you on blast Nick. Second, it's WA my man, of course its going to rain! You picked the right profession my friend.)

  

 Here is a fact to consider. We are born with 2 basic fears, just 2. The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Even as babies we overcome our primary fears. We learn to walk and climb, tumble a bit and yes, to fall. Through it all we don't stop because those fears are being coached out of us and we have

absolutely nothing to base failure on. It is quite literally just the natural next step ion our lives as we grow. As per the loud noises well, I think that we are just stuck with that one.

   So fear is learned, Okay, awesome! This means that we can teach ourselves out of it and better even, reinforce confidence and hope. We need to work together to help encourage one another to be brave, to be bold and creative. As a worldwide network of human beings we can change things by helping each other overcome that laundry list of crippling fears. 

   It needs to start now though and we need to focus on our youth and children. Can you imagine a society built on the foundation of faith and hope, on confidence and big dreams? I can! If we can teach our babies to overcome their primary fear of falling think what we can do if we apply that same effort into teaching them to be brave through the obstacles of life. If we can encourage them to embrace falling down in life as simply an opportunity to learn something new.

 Here is one quick story in closing. We have all heard of the Broadway masterpieces, Cats and The Phantom of the Opera. The woman behind the amazing choreography of both of those and so many more productions was, Dame Gillian Lynne. 

   When she was just 7 years old her school had convinced her mother that she had a learning disorder. She was taken to a specialist to diagnose her disability. Her symptoms were pretty simple. Her attention span was short and she was constantly moving. A naturally wiggly kid. Now days she would be diagnosed as having ADHD. This however, was the 30's so, that hadn't quite been invented.

   After spending time with Gillian, the specialist found that this little girl was trying to process so much more than the average child of her same age. He also found that her creative "fancy" was hyper engaged. The Doctor spent the next half hour trying to explain his findings and their meaning to her mother. No progress was being made so finally the specialist asked  Gillian's mother to step out of the room with him. When they got up to walk out he turned on some music and told Gillian that they would be back in a few minutes.

   When they got out into the hallway he said to her mother, "Just watch." The next thing that happened changed the world. In that moment Gillian jumped up and began dancing all around the room. She was smiling and laughing, not a care or fear in the world.

   After watching for a few minutes the doctor turned to Gillian's mother and said, "There is nothing wrong with your child, she is just a natural born dancer!"

   

   This woman accomplished so much and lived to be a happy 92 years old! To think that her creative flame was so close to being snuffed out before it ever had the chance to illuminate the world.     Let's spread hope, curiosity and, intrigue. Teach our children to dream as big as their imaginations can take them. Nurture them and all of our brothers and sisters with hope, faith, and love!

"What if I fall?

   My Child, 

WHAT IF YOU FLY?!"

1❤️

CJ

I found your picture last night

I found your picture last night,

head turned ever so slightly to the left

with your hair,

perfect as always

cascading over the same shoulder.

Eyes full and beaming with messages not yet said,

probably due to my lack of ability to hear 

your liquid truth.

your smile,

your smile practiced and perfected,

all of this giving you a sad beauty.

I find myself with a deep longing 

to hold your chin in my palms

with my fingertips exploring the contours

of your cheeks and mouth.

Caress your sadness and pain

and tell you darling,

You are safe now, 

you no longer have to fight the darkness,

rest easy my love

and lean your head into mine

and always know my bella luna

that with me you are always home.

I understand how lonely it is out there,

I know the cold of its void,

I've tasted its bitter fruit

and have felt the cuts of its daggers

and the pierce of its arrows.

You are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone

you are not alone,

i love you

Allow me to properly introduce myself,

My name is Carl Halliburton, better known by C.J.

42 year old dreamer

A grown child

Young man

Old soul

I find that i get lost often,

and most often by great design.

My inner youth giggles at the unknown.

Washington State runs green in my veins,

I refer to Rainier as “My Mountain.”

My Dalai-mama has always told me that God first created the Northwest
and then tossed blessings to the rest of the world.
My roots run deep and Family is the cornerstone of my life.

I often walk barefoot

in attempts to plant myself when I'm not feeling grounded.  

I love to travel…

I've been 10’s of thousands of miles around the world in search of romance...

I found it 3 feet behind me,

In a 20 year limbo of

Love and lust

Lies and trust

New endings

And

Old beginnings.

I've felt tranquil brilliance with feet buried in sand on the shores of the

Red Sea.

I am steadfast in seeking out adventure in celebration of this vessel
God saw fit to grace my soul with.

I try to fuel this somewhat ambient machine with,

Passion

Hope

Love

&

A touch of bravado

that might carry my shoulders square enough

To convince the masses that I am fearless…

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I am deathly afraid to showcase my being

Though I never stop performing.

I employ myself as the bard of my own life's story.

This is a tactic I've used to ensure that light is best shown

Where emphasis needs be….

And that has honestly been far away from

the things that

connect people unconsciously

Which I find in,

Humble faltering

And

Uncelebrated short comings.

I love people

But I don't like everyone

I'm just not that centered...

Yet.

I  carry heavy weight

on the strain of my hearts great effort

And have found through connection that

I Have the capacity of holding emotional tonnage.

Empathy…..

I rediscovered prayer through bloody knee pleading

as I bartered with God to save a little girl

From that one word curse.

20years ago

She climbed into my lap and

Sobbed in my ear

Like a celestial cup and string

and I  was a direct line to the Lord,

“Why don't I get a happily ever after”...

How does a man fight that battle for a child?

Hold tight...

Clench fists ...

And always know that love will endure

You are a warrior queen,

Heaven Holds you

And so do I,

Grow deep roots and Beautiful wings.

I'm a

saint seeking,

Self confessed sinner.

Church going

Absentee ballot

3rd party truth seeker.

Renegade-Bellator-Rebel...

Borderline uncivil warrior

Steel forged but not built of steel,

But still I forge

To be the weakest link in every chain that I am in.

Hunter-Stalker

Hunted-Prey

Cat AND mouse.

Gifted-gracious-humble & Malleable.

Sophisticated sophomore in the school of hard knocks,

Home schooled street scholar in a vagrants curriculum.

Fastest kid in the slow class that set the bell curve for its syllabus.

I'm an analytical liar

A paradox

A Paramore prairie fox.

Years ago my brother asked me if id hit rock-bottom,

In that moment i realized how deep I truly am…

I told him that

I pray to god I never find the darkness of that decent,

But if I do,

An invite would be received titled,

“In loving memory of a man you almost knew.”

shrouded in a box of mahogany

baptized by earth

Dust to dust

ashes to phoenix

I am god's son from grave to birth.

I love to dance and wish i could sing

I do to much of one and not enough of the other.

I'm a jack of all trades

A master to none

A joker to all

And always striving to be a king for my queen.

Im not perfect…

so far from it.

I seek out solitude

But easily get lonely

I yearn for companionship

But have the worst time committing.

I am tenaciously devout

And easily distracted...

I've found that where my eyes lead

my heart will surely follow,

So forgive me if i shy from eye contact,

Its for your own good….

Unless your that one

In which case

Please let me know...Make me believe

Because i am rupturing at the seams of my being

And my core is on supernova levels,

I've battled loneliness,

And the world can be so dark

with eyes wide shut.

Friend

Partner

Lover

Mate,

Call me what you will,

Just know that

I will give until I am empty and will feed on your love

I will give my all to you.

Hold me and always call me yours

and I will always call you home.

I could build a literal fortress out of the books that i own

But can't seem to fortify my time to finish reading any one of them.

Like those books

My life has countless stories started

and just as many still incomplete.

I've hurled venomous rants at the man on the moon

For always being there and never offering me any advice

I found that I am bitter...

Bitter that my father idolized that lunar visage so much

That just like him

He left the earth

Left it darker without his presence,

Left me to sort out these mysteries

alone in the light of the day…

So thats what im doing

Stumbling towards perfection.

My name is CJ,

A son of God

And

Your brother.

quick note of esteem

while i may not be aware of the boys that youve been losing time with, take it from a man that has been around the world and lived more life than anyone i know, your gorgeous. Not just in that, 'Oh, my mother says my girlfriend is beautiful and will make pretty children' kind of way but in that I crave your skin with every cell in my body and want to explore the terrain of your sculpted flesh with tounge and fingertips until im sure that even if i were to go blind i could recite the vision that desire and delight had created in our body twisted sweat slicked union for an eternity of erotic detailed dreams and never miss sight but rather curse my eyes for wasting any of the viewable seconds of my life on seeing anything other that the perfection of your figure sprawled panting and satisfied across my naked bodies pure delight at the gift that your curve and caress are to my fantasies satisfaction and complete carnal rapture.....take that as your guide as to how you should try seeing yourself.

Lost & Found

How do I factor around not holding you with my hands searching for contours to grip, fingers merging with your skin as if we were grafting my palms to your hips and my arms to your ribs... ...A staircase can be a dangerous place with your ankles kissing my face.... LOST AND FOUND

THE BALLAD OF TWO LOVERS SKIPPING STONES OVER BLACK HOLES AND PUDDLE JUMPING ON A SUPERNOVAS SHORE...

....I lost my inhibitions and found safety in her tone... Behind walls made of typhoons and receivers stamped from molded plastic, we connected and fused our adulation into passionate exploration of each others secrets and souls... There are no similarities in this Adonis only envy, jealous eyes prying after Gods most favored creation. She is a creature the likes of fantasy and myth..unattainable and brilliant...and yet-she touched me. Her hands like waves and fingers like anchors, she plunged into my abyss and gripped my being. She inspires me to swim naked through hot spring pools and sip bottles of wine on a volcano's balcony. Ive learned to sew and weave with her, as i fit layers of my ribcage with the songs she sings and the paper mache musings that bind the smile of our prayer... We gifted each other intracit baskets to catch the shooting stars of our bedroom ceiling astrology course and the whispers of our pillow talk... She stitched the weather tattered sails of my dreams and passion and I made for us the perfect vessel to carry our sweat licked skin tango to exotic shores with full gale force sway ....we create naked brilliance and heavy breath sacraments to each others epidural harmony of motion and chest to back contours that have typhoons and solar eclipses bowing at our union... ...arms and hands conducting to each others bodies like Mozart to his symphony, like symbols our bodies and souls collide with perfect reverberation and every beat and breath with her, Is a masterpiece. Lost and Found....and so we are

SHE LOCKS GAZES WITH YOUR SOUL THROUGH OCULAR IMPERFECTION THAT MAKES HER PERFECT.
SIMILAR TO A SIREN, BUT THROUGH CRYSTAL CLEAR EYE CONTACT, SHE'LL CARRY YOU ON A GAZE THAT HARMONIZES AND REVERBERATES OUT TUNES THAT IGNITE TANGO FLOORS AND CREATE DANCE REVOLUTIONS WITH SKIN SOAKED SWEAT SEDUCTION.
IN A RETINAL TUG-O-WAR, SHE ALWAYS WINS...
THERES REALLY NO FIGHTING SUCH BEAUTIFUL SEDUCTION, AND IN THE JUNCTION OF THESE TWO STAR CHASING PUMAS YOU FIND THE BIRTHPLACE OF WHAT PASSION IS ALL ABOUT AND POWER IN REVELATION GAMES OF LUST WRAPPED LUNACY....
ALL MERGED PERFECTLY IN A 12 INCH LOVE SONG...
I FOUND THAT WE EXIST THERE, IN THAT FIELD OF ENERGY WE CREATE BY BRUSHING HANDS AND MATCHING HEART BEATS IN A GEOGRAPHIC EXPLORATION OF EACH OTHERS TERRAINS,
AND YES I COULD MAP HER.
IN 3 NIGHTS I COULD TOPOGRAPHICALLY TIPTOE WITH LASER PRECISION OVER FLAWLESS SKIN TRANSITIONS AND TONGUE TIP LIP AROUSED BODY POSITIONS…
SHE IS PRESENT AND DRINKS IN MY EVERY WORD AS IF SIPPING FROM THE CUP OF LIFE...
SHE DOESN'T JUST SOAK IN MY GLOW, SHE ABSORBS IT WITH TENACITY AND CREATES AN ATOMIC FLARE IN OUR UNION,
AND WE UNITE AND IGNITE PHYSICAL TORCHES IN NO SMOKING ZONES AND SET SPACE ON FIRE AS WE BURN IT UP...
SHE LITERALLY CLIMBS WALLS AS IF TRYING TO SUMMIT THE SECONDS WE SPEND TOGETHER SEARCHING FOR HAND HOLDS IN EACH OTHERS PLIABLE DESIRE..
HER SKIN…
SKIN HAS NEVER BEEN SO SMOOTH.... SHE IS THE SILK SPUN MANIFESTATION OF WHAT CAN ONLY BE COMPARED TO HYPNOTIC ECSTASY.... WHERE TOUCHING HER MAKES YOUR HANDS FEEL GIFTED FOR BEING IN HER BODIES PRESENCE…....
…I WONDER WHERE SHE WENT?..:

Moments with Perfection

"Write about why you love me," She said, so, I tried...... .
There is a depth in you that resonates in every aspect of my existence and facet of my soul..
How do you describe that?.....
You inspire me with 6 year old humming and your tiny crossed feet swinging to the non-stop rhythm in your heart and soul that bubbles out through your amazing imagination and brilliance of your emotional and mental awareness....
how do you describe that?
You smile for me and make my soul giggle!
We play the "I love you" game, and it's always a draw!!
You are the tiny personification of everything that inspires children' novels...
Why do I love you?...
How do you describe that?
There aren't enough words in all languages to come close to explaining why I love you......
Just know that I do, and always will...your my angel
and
everything that is wonderful about my life!
......How could I possibly describe that?!

Shes a girl like you'd expect..
sharp nails, soft touch..beautiful smile, and even better smile eyes..
She would seem shy if not for her glow,
...70 m.p.h. with the top down on a clear, windy, hilly, California road at midnight is a magical time to share secrets with stars, or, marvel at her in my lap as if the world didn't exist...
She has that ability you see, to disappear in plain sight..only in her power the world fades away and the only thing in center observation is passion...
her bite is deep as is her desire to satisfy,
hours of beautiful attempts make late reminders for her that just being there is satisfaction enough.......
she can consume souls with her presence and gift you with power in her growl...
This girl has a kitty-hawk persona and the case work for a deviant from the common...
she exposes herself to the unexpected world who's eyes are bloodshot and unblinking.....and....
She is naked...I gotta go!

She was a "name in lights" broadway walking dame that clicked 4 inch heels and swayed like there was a soundtrack to her stroll....
"I wish somebody would write something beautiful about me."
.... She was bold and sang her tune in a different key, one so perfectly off pitch that I had to listen...
She was building a list of her fears, not to shoot napalm at the world, but to explain that she was scared...
She was a "name in lights" broadway walking dame that clicked 4 inch heels and swayed like there was a soundtrack to her stroll.
...eyes popped in her wake and left mens ribs bruised from sharp eyed wives and lovers that caught them stealing a look...
neck craned over her shoulder should shout, "trust me everything your thinking is true my man, its worth the punishment!"
But she kept walking... i realized that the old line has a sting that isnt conveyed in movies.."I love watching you walk away.... but.."
then she was gone....and then there was me....